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i don’t know truly where i am at the moment

There are so many things that I would like to be able to do for my aging parents. There are so many things that I must do to do my best at school. There are so many things to do just to run a household and have dogs and take care of my health. Yes, I choose to do all of these things. Why? A whole host of things. My perfectionist tendencies, my sentimental and emotional foundation, my inability to let things go…there must be many more, I’m sure. I grew up in a household where everyone left. Every year another brother or sister was off getting married and starting a life of their own. I suppose it made me feel as if our family was deteriorating. When my grandmother died, it had such a profound impact on me. I never truly ventured far away from home because I didn’t want to lose the ties from my parents. And now as they are nearing their deaths, I am struggling with all there is to make their lives easier. Shopping sometimes just takes 4 hours to complete for them. If I could, I would take them to all of their doctor appointments [one week they had 5…]. But I can’t.

I got angry with my siblings this week because I feel they expect me to do a lot of things for our parents. Some live thousands of miles away and are rarely here to deal with much. I feel burdened with wanting to help them but wanting a life for myself. My school is suffering, my health is suffering…I am suffering - all because I want it to be different than what it is.

I cannot expect others in my family to want to help as much as I do. I cannot expect them to understand my feelings of loss and abandonment. I know my parents will soon die…and then the long line of siblings will begin. I worry and get sad…over things that have not yet even happened.

I find it very difficult to concentrate on my school work…I’m very fortunate that I’ve been able to keep up so far, but there is one course I may soon drop. It is not in my GD program, so I will be fine…but I feel defeated. I feel depleated. I feel overwhelmed.


14 February 2009 | 10:39 pm |
| family, me me me! | 2 comments

2 comments

  1. Michel - 2 Mar 2009 , 10:18 am:

    Tes parents sont si agés ? Sont - ils malades ?
    Je comprends ce que tu ressens par anticipation .
    Amitié
    Michel

  2. mamselle - 2 Mar 2009 , 11:01 pm:

    mes parents sont 87 ans
    mon père était dans l’hôpital en novembre…il y a un ‘growth’ sur son thyroid…on sait maintenant que ce n’est pas cancer, mais il a perdu beaucoup de poids…

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